Me and my creativity
Music. Even when I see that word, or hear it – or speak it, it sends shivers up my spine. Music is my air, my water – my sunshine. It always has been. And yet it’s taken me decades to pluck up the courage to pursue my life-long dream of doing music full time.
I’ve wrestled – repeatedly struggling with fear. The usual suspects: fear of financial lack, fear of judgement and of course our good old buddy, fear of failure. These fears were all compounded by doubt – a lack of confidence in myself, a doubt as to whether or not I was ‘good enough’ or ‘capable’.
My passion for music is unquestionable, but for a very long time ego-based desires shrouded that passion in a craving for fame and fortune, making my motives selfish and ego-driven.
This suited me just fine whilst I was living the life of a relatively unconscious human being. I was selfish – and was for the most part, quite happy to manipulate people so I got what I wanted. And I was good at it. But, what goes around comes around – and life eventually served me a well-deserved slice of humble pie.
I started taking my previously neglected spiritual life a little more seriously and began seeking the truth. In doing so I added a considerable amount of discord into my desire to pursue a career in music.
My quest for truth inevitably lead to me unravelling my own story – and as I began the search for who I really was, I began to face some hard truths about myself.
I started to feel that pursuing a career in music was selfish – that I should be doing something more worthy. Something that would help others, rather than satisfy my own selfish wants. Of course I felt this – I had developed enough awareness by now to make the painful realisation that my desires to pursue a career in music had been selfish. Yes my passion for music was real and pure, but my motives had been totally driven by my ego.
For a while I put music on the back-burner. I pursued a life as a yoga teacher and massage therapist because I thought they were good, wholesome things to do. I promised myself I’d do the music in my spare time, but the reality was it got neglected. I loved teaching yoga and giving massages, but there was sadness in my heart.
I couldn’t put my finger on what was causing this sadness though. I didn’t make the connection back then that it was because I was neglecting my passion. Then in September 2015, my heart spoke to me so loudly I realised in an instant what was causing it to be sad. It was like lightening running through me. I HAD to do music.
I realised that music has always been my life-long love. I also realised that my biggest fear was the fear of dying not having achieved my life’s purpose. In that moment, all fear and doubt paled into insignificance, and I made a promise to myself to give music everything I had.
Since then I’ve been focussing on music and only music. I’m working super hard at it. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever worked this hard in my life! I’ve achieved a lot in the last 18 months, but I’ve lost count of the times I felt like giving up over that period.
For the first year money came in in fits and spurts, so of course my fear of financial lack was doing its best to make me do an about-turn. No. I had done enough work on myself by now to not allow my fears to rule me, so onwards I strode.
There is no doubt about this: I couldn’t be doing what I’m doing now had it not been for the amazing support network I have around me. Family, friends – they have all been – and will continue to be – the wind beneath my wings throughout this journey. And faith. Faith has been my cornerstone. Without it I probably would have given up.
In fact, in a serendipitous turn of events, providence sent me Gary Gray – my incredible music production mentor. Having him to guide and support me – and to hold me accountable has been like wind to wild fire. Gary, I know you’ll be reading this – so thank you so much!
Sure, I still have moments when the doubt tries to make a return. I still have moments when I can feel the fear trying to figure out a way to creep back in. Yes, the wrestle is there – but when we wrestle there has to eventually be a winner.
Getting to know how the forces of doubt and fear operate within my mind – and learning how to circumnavigate them has been so freeing for me. It’s what finally gave me the clarity and courage to listen to my heart.
Being honest with myself about my ego-based desires was equally freeing. By acknowledging them, I was then able to chose to let them go. Letting go of them then allowed my pure passion for music to shine through, which then enabled me to follow my dream of doing music full time, knowing there was nothing selfish in it. It is simply what I was born to do.
Our darker tendencies do not disappear but rather, through the careful cultivation of awareness, we slowly come to realise that we are able to make a choice. We can chose to not be ruled by ego: fear, doubt, frustration, despair, selfishness – or rage. We can choose to follow our true passions – our dreams – what we were born to do.
Having the faith that the right doors would open for me when the time was right gave me the strength to keep going when I felt like giving up. When you are pursuing something from a place of pure passion without any of the darkness of ego-based desires attached, magic does happen! The power of your focus makes it so.
Add into that equation commitment, determination, humility, resilience and perseverance and you become practically unstoppable. The only difference after all, between those who make it and those who don’t is this: those who make it never give up.
I hope this inspires you to go out there and follow the call of your dreams.